Whiners Never Win

"I don't feel good."

"I'm so tired."

"My boss never listens to my suggestions."

"My husband never cleans up after himself."

"I got passed up for a promotion, again."

"Why are people so [insert negative adjective here]?"

"Why does this always happen to me?"

Do words like these come out of your mouth (or crowd your thoughts) on a regular basis? These are the symptoms of Toxic Mind, a highly contagious condition afflicting millions of people worldwide.

Never heard of Toxic Mind? Sure you have. You just might know it under its synonym: being a whiner.

You don't want to be a whiner, do you? Always complaining, playing the victim, and blaming others for your problems? You know that moaning, bitching, and whining only worsen your problems, and yet you continue as if you are helpless, a slave to your condition.

Canadian FWP

Don't worry: there is a cure for Toxic Mind. You can reprogram yourself. You can train yourself to think more efficiently. Consider this an intervention!

The stuff I'm about to tell you is going to sound like common sense, and rightfully so. Understanding how the remedy works is easy; the real challenge is implementation. It's going to take practice and hard work, and even then you will backslide. But so long as you keep the principles I'm about to teach you firmly in mind, you will never contract Toxic Mind again.

Before we get started, let's confirm your diagnosis.

What is a whiner?

A whiner is the victim of endless misfortunes, tragedies, and injustices. Quick to assign blame externally, a whiner never turns a critical eye inward. He never attempts to identify the common denominator underlying all his problems: himself. Accountable for nothing, he spends his days fuming and stewing over slights both real and imagined, poised between discontentment and indignation.

The root of a whiner's problem is mental weakness. Accustomed to getting what she wants without resistance, the mere hint of adversity, of things not going precisely how she wants them to, sends her into a downward spiral.

She may have been an optimist once but "the soul becomes dyed with the color of its thoughts" and her thoughts have become increasingly toxic. The more she indulges poisonous ideas, the deeper she plunges into whiner territory.

The whiner never wins; not because he never succeeds but because his Toxic Mind prevents him from appreciating his success. Instead of celebrating, he greets victory by focusing on its downside or the fact that things could've worked out better than they did.

Is this you?

If you're genuinely considering the question, congratulations: you're on the path to knowing yourself! The journey has its rough patches but be brave: you're one step ahead of the rest and more importantly, one step closer to self-improvement.

Just a side-note: you don't have to be a whiner in order to benefit from the forthcoming remedy. If you ever feel anxious, stressed, angry, jealous, bitter, vexed, frustrated, irritated, or perturbed, and would like to get a handle on these toxic emotions, the following is for you.

***

The remedy to your woes can be found in the Serenity Prayer made famous by 12-step programs like Alcoholics Anonymous. It goes:

God grant me the serenity 

to accept the things I cannot change; 

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

Now because I know a lot of my readers are godless heathens, here's another version from the Roman philosopher Epictetus:

"Make the best use of what is in your power, and take the rest as it happens. Some things are up to us and some things are not up to us. Our opinions are up to us, and our impulses, desires, aversions. Our bodies are not up to us, nor are our possessions, our reputations, or our public offices."

Some things are within our power to change while others are not. What Epictetus and the Serenity Prayer tell us is that we should distinguish between the two and focus our energies on the things we can change, taking the rest as it happens.

That last part might make you uncomfortable. Is Epictetus telling you to bear misfortune, tragedy, insult, and injustice without fighting back? To take the bad stuff passively, "as it happens?"

Of course not. The quote opens with "make the best use of what is in your power," meaning that if you have the ability to improve a situation, mitigate damage done, or resolve a conflict, you should do just that.

What use is whining when you can eliminate the source of your whining?

Do not whine: act.

What about the things that are completely beyond your control? Are you expected to bear these without flinching?

Not immediately, no. But with some practice you may eventually learn to silence the useless grumblings of your mind. Next time something vexes you, remember the following:

"If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself but to your own estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.”

If you have done everything in your power to resolve a problem and your efforts have fallen short, or if an unforeseen tragedy or disaster has befallen you, you still have power over your own mind and the ability to move on without letting it poison your thoughts.

You always have a choice. You can suffer the effects of misfortune and let it spoil your mood for hours, days, months, or even years to come; or you can suffer the effects of misfortune, learn whatever lesson you can from it, and move on.

Remember that your mind generates the reality you experience. No one else sees what you see, hears what you hear, or thinks what you think. By changing the way you perceive the world, you alter your reality.

Or as Buddha put it, "All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make the world."

Thanks Buddha!

Once you train yourself to distinguish between the things you can control and the things you can't, you will find yourself transformed.

Insults will fly harmlessly past you--you can't control what people think or say about you, so why let it perturb you?

Setbacks and obstacles will become challenges and lessons--might as well derive some benefit from  otherwise negative experiences, right?

Lastly, the difficult people in your life will become sparring partners--who better to help you practice your new-found mindset than those who cause you distress?

So quit whining. If you can improve a situation, do so. If, on the other hand, nothing can be done, learn from the experience and move on with your life.

The list of things outside your control is exhaustive. Luckily for you, the only thing you need control over is yours and yours alone.

Learn to use your mind properly and you will have no need to whine or complain.

/rant over